


i wanna sleep next to you (all i wanna do)

by DangerousReality



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Blue Neighbourhood- Troye Sivan, Boys In Love, Closeted Character, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, mentioned smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-13 20:49:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7985695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousReality/pseuds/DangerousReality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>"Can I tell you something, Cal?" His voice was in a whisper, a lot quieter than it normally is on any other given day. Calum nodded at him, choosing to stay silent in this moment.</em><br/> <br/>  <em>"I wanna sleep next to you. I wanna come home to you." Ashton spoke in such a quiet whisper, it was almost hard to hear him. But to Calum, it was the loudest thing that he could possibly say. His ears rang with Ashton's words, filling his head with thoughts of future that an eight year old shouldn't be having.</em></p><p>  <em>"You can Ashy. You will. When we get bigger." </em></p>
            </blockquote>





	i wanna sleep next to you (all i wanna do)

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the 'Blue Neighbourhood (Trilogy)' by Troye Sivan. The second I saw this video, I absolutely knew that I needed to make a fic about it! I've been planning this for a while now, and I can't wait to finally share it with you guys! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do, and I'm very excited to be back writing fics! 
> 
> Just to clarify: The paragraphs in italics are flashbacks to childhood, and they will be separated in lyrics from Troye Sivan. When it is supposed to be current time, Calum is 17 years old and Ashton is 18 years old.

Both boys sat on the middle of the bed, arms grasped around each other and tears dripping down their faces. White knuckles gripped his t-shirt and small gasps of breath escaped his mouth. The room was filled with waves of  _want_ and  _need_ filled the room, as both boys wishes that the next twenty-four hours would become their next forever. "Tell me again," the older whispered, leaning back and gripping the back of the Maori's head. He blinked away his tear, sniffling as he felt them fall down his cheeks and onto his shirt. His voice was raw from screaming and crying. "Again."

The younger boy shook his head, looking down at their intertwined legs. He took a deep breath, chewing down on his lip as he took in the realization of the words he had said within the past few hours. The dark haired boy, Calum, squeezed his eyes shut momentarily, taking a deep breath before looking up at the boy across from him. "I  _love_ you."

**"Trying hard not to fall,**

**on the way home,**

**You were trying to wear me down, down."**

_Two young boys ran after each other, the wind flowing behind them and the sun setting in the distance along the horizon of the ocean. It was getting closer to their curfews, but they ran--without a care in the world. They had each other in the moment, and that was what mattered for them. The youngest of the two tried to keep up with the older, deeply out of breath and tired, but he still smiled and ran, just happy to be within the presence of the older._

_"Ash!" He panted, finally catching up when the older boy stopped. "You won again!" He beamed at the blond, revealing a missing canine tooth that had fallen out a couple of days ago._

_Ashton giggled at his friend, "Well, being older has it's benefits." Calum just nodded his head at him, not realizing that being a single year older had no benefit on the speed of a person. The two began to walk back to where their bicycles laid, only a few yards away from where they were._

_Calum looked up at Ashton as they walked side by side, taking in how his silhouette shined in the sunlight. Ashton was only a year older than him, but it felt like so many more years to him, as Ashton was always the wiser one out of the two. Now with Calum's mother out of the picture, Ashton took a role in his life, leading him with wisdom and caring after him when he didn't want to go to his father about something--the same father who overreacted at the simplest of things. At his young age, Calum didn't realize how much Ashton meant to him, and what_ that  _meant in itself._

**"'Cause there's still too long till the weekend,**

**too long 'till I drown in your hands."**

 

Ashton was laying down on Calum's bed with said boy laying on top of him, drifting in and out of sleep as the older boy runs his fingers through his hair. Ashton thought about the past few hours, and how both of their true feelings for each other was revealed. How they both had said they love each other. How they both had admitted to wanting to be with each other. It's been practically his entire life that he's been waiting for this moment. He's had these feelings for the younger boy since he was eight years old, and he couldn't wait to finally be his. He couldn't wait to finally call the love of his life, the boy of his dreams  _his._

"Ash?" He heard a small, yet raspy voice come out of the boy on top of him. He looked down at him, just to be meet with brown eyes staring up at him. "Are you sure you want this? You want me?"

Ashton frowned, sitting up on his elbows and looking down at the Maori. He placed a hand on the back of his head, and began to run his fingers through the dark locks. "Calum, I've been waiting for this since I was eight fucking years old. I'm not going to just give it up like that. When I say I want something, I want it, and I'm going to get it and keep it. I'm going to keep you. I'm never going to let go." 

Calum felt his heart swell at the statement, and swallowed down his realization of having to  _publicly come out._ He didn't want to think of that right now, about his father's possible reaction to it. He needs this moment, and in this moment, he needs Ashton. He leaned up and kissed the older with a passion, swallowing down the surprised noise that Ashton let out. He squeezed his eyes shut as he sat up on Ashton, and straddled his waist, reaching down and pulling the older boy's shirt up over his head. He placed Ashton's hands on his hips, grinding his hips down, shocking the older boy.

"Cal," Ashton panted as he pulled away from him. "Maybe we should- maybe we should stop." Calum ignored him, pulling away and sucking a bruise into the side of his neck. "Calum, no, I don't want to-"

"You don't want me?" Calum pulled away from him, looking down with disappointment.

"No, babe, just-" Ashton sighed, running a hand over his face as he sat up, shifting Calum on his lap. "We should take it slow, okay? So we can know where we are on the comfort scale." He could tell that wasn't enough to make Calum feel better. He could still see the disappointment in his face. He lifted Calum's face with his hand, making him look into his eyes. "Hey, Cal. I want this just as bad as you seem to right now, but I just need to know for sure what's going on with you.  I just need to know that you're into this for sure, and you're not just doing this because you think that I want to, okay?"

Calum nodded at him, biting his lip and internally sighing in relief. It wasn't that he's not ready for this with Ashton, he just needed time to process everything that happened and what was to come. Time was all he needed. And a lot of it. But that can always be saved for later. "I want this now, Ash."

Ashton's eyes brightened with something indescribable as he reached up and placed a hand on the younger boy's cheek. He leaned up and placed a kiss on his mouth. He reached down and pulled Calum's shirt up and over his head before continuing to kiss him. It was now or never.

**"White noise in my mind,**

**Won't calm down,**

**You're all I think about."**

_Both Calum and Ashton's families sat along the beach shore behind Calum's house. They were having a father-son barbecue, one that their fathers have been doing for a long time, long since before the two boys were born. It happened once a year, despite the families seeing each other many more times than that during the course of the year. Within the last year, the annual barbecues had stopped due to the death of Calum's mother. That year had been a rough one for them all, especially hitting Calum's father with a wave of guilt and mourning. This family event was meant to give both of the remaining Hoods a break from reality, and take a momentary vacation._

_Four young boys were running around and chasing each other, pretending to play some imaginary game with one another, while their fathers were sitting around the bonfire, drinking and laughing about stories that had happened recently. It was obvious at first that David, Calum's father, was drinking way too much than he needed to be. He was already on his seventh or eighth beer, while his other friends were only working on their second. He had been known in the past to control his drinking to a minimum, but lately after the death of his wife, he had been moving towards an alcoholic lifestyle._

_The older men were talking about their young sons, joking about their achievements and the things that had been going on in their lives recently. They watched the four of them as they played, taking notice, but not mentioning, how Calum and Ashton seemed to stick to each other's side. David snorted as he watched Ashton try to reach out and grab Calum's hand. Calum pulled away quickly, glancing at his father and shaking his head at the older boy._

_"Hey, I would watch out for your son there, Irwin," David said under his breath, making sure the other man heard him as he took a swig of his beer. Ashton's dad looked up at the mention of his last name, looking over at the boy. He looked confused as he saw the boys running around and just throwing sand at each other, pretending the "cast spells" on each other. "Keeps touching my boy like that, and he might earn the label of a fag."_

_All the other three men stood in mid-movement, pausing and looking over at David. "Excuse me?" Ashton's father asked, clearing his throat. "What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"Your son. A fag. He needs to stop touching my son like that, he may catch something," Ignorance flew out of the drunken man's mouth. "And the way he's dressed--seems like a pansy, if you ask me."_

_"He's fucking nine years old, David. You don't know what your talking about." The other man stood up, shaking his head and standing up, beginning to gather David's stuff. "Look. I know it's been hard on you that Joy left and all, but you need to stop attacking me and my son. Especially my fucking son David."_

_"It's not attacking if I'm telling the truth," David downed the rest of his beer, throwing down the empty bottle and picking up a new one. "Ashton! Come here!"_

_The blond boy looked up at his friend's father, and ran over, leaving behind his friends. "Yeah, Mr. Hood?" The boy's father tried to step up and grab his son back from the drunk, but David raised his hand, pausing his movements._

_"Look even the way he talks, Irwin. That should be a sign," David shook his head, cracking open the new bottle and taking a swig. He reached out a hand and ruffled the boy's hair. "A fa-"_

_Ashton's father took a step forward and pushed David back away from his son. "You need to leave. Right now. And don't consider yourself welcome around me or my son ever again, David."_

_David pulled away in anger, stomping over to Calum and yanking him up by the back of his t-shirt. The small eight year old yelped in pain, screaming when his neckline pulled around his neck, leaving behind a red rash. The boy stumbled to his feet, jogging to keep up with his father pulling him. Calum frowned as he tried to look back at his friends, especially at Ashton, who stood beside his own father, looking just as confused as himself._

_"Dad? Why'd we have to leave?" Calum whined, looking up at his father as they walked back around their house._

_"You don't hang around fags, Calum._ _"_

**"'Cause when you look like that,**

**I've never ever wanted to be so bad, oh,**

**It drives me wild."**

 

David let out a hearty laugh as he patted his son on the back, shaking his head as he continued to work on the boat in the backyard. Calum smiled up at him, handing his father another tool as he requested them. This became a new routine for them every day after Calum got back from school. Calum would meet his father in the sand behind their house, and they both would work on the sailing boat together, in hopes that it would set sail between then and the next incoming year. The younger boy enjoys it, getting to spend time with his dad before he starts his daily drinking pattern.

As he began to work on the boat itself with the sun setting in the distance, he began to think of last week when Ashton and him were sitting on the back porch of his house, watching the sun set together. It was a nice moment between friends-- _lover_ _s_ \--that they got to share after that day in Calum's room where they confessed everything to each other. His mind began to drift to other things, about how nice Ashton's hands had felt around him. About how Ashton had began to run his hands down to his-

"Cal?" He heard his voice from around the corner of the house, and his head shot up to stare at the body from which it had came from. His heart sank low in his chest as Ashton smiled at him, and raised a hand to wave. He heard his father clear his throat from beside him, as he began to take notice of the older teenager.

"Ashton, you bet-" Calum cut his dad off from speaking at his boyfriend--his _friend_ , waving a hand off and telling him that he would take care of it.

"Dad, I got it. Don't worry," Calum shook his head violently at his dad, pausing his movements. He had noticeably gotten a few shades lighter, and his hands began to shake slightly. 

David's voice dropped down to a whisper as he gripped of Calum's shirt, "Don't let that fag touch you." Calum gulped and nodded as he ran off to where Ashton was standing. 

The closer he got to Ashton, the more he realized how much he was in love with the older boy. He couldn't tell his dad that of course, but he was. He just had to keep his feelings to himself, for a very long time. Ashton let out a smile at him as he neared closer, all hints of confusion clearing from his face. The older boy reached out and placed one hand on Calum's face and the other on the boy's arm. "Babe, he-"

"Ash, you gotta leave. You can't be here with my dad actually home," Calum brushed off Ashton's hands, backing away from the older boy. He lingered on Ashton's hand a little longer than he probably should have, but he pushed it away, sparing a glance back to his staring father. "I don't want you here right now."

Ashton looked confused and hurt to say the least. His own boyfriend, or someone who he thought was his boyfriend, didn't even want him there. He knew how David was, especially towards homosexuality, but he could at least have Calum want to spend time with him--even if they have to act like they were just friends. He cleared his throat and quickly put on a small smile at the younger boy in front of him, "Okay, I'll just... I'll come by tomorrow-" Calum's eyes widened. "-Or whenever you text me. Love you."

Calum's skin paled quite considerably, and he nodded quickly at his lover before pushing off in the opposite direction. Ashton looked more than hurt when he began to walk away, but Calum was relieved. He was able to last another day, with his dad fooled. 

 

 

Eventually when it began to grow dark outside, Calum went inside up to his room to complete his homework. He had felt tension between his father and himself the entire rest of the time they were working on the sailing boat. David had barely said another word to his son, aside from grunting out the names of the tools that he needed. Calum couldn't help, but think that his dad had caught on to his relationship with Ashton. He didn't want to think of that now because he couldn't even imagine the things that his dad would do to him if he found out his own son was gay. His own flesh and blood was in a  _relationship_ with another  _man._ Calum grew sick to even think of the thought. 

He was abruptly pulled from his thoughts when his dad barged into his room, the loud smack echoing throughout the entire room. His father's eyes were glazed over, and he had the remnants of scotch in a glass in the hand not gripping the door knob. David drank the rest of the liquor, and slammed the glass down onto the desk next to the door.

"Dad?" Calum asked wearily, setting aside his binder and sitting up to look at him. A heavy knot filled his chest, anxiety creeping up on him. His breathing grew shallow as tears began to fill his eyes in fear. "What's wrong?"

David rolled his eyes at his son, who seemed to act clueless in this moment, "You know what's wrong with you. Are you dating that faggot?" 

Calum's heart dropped down to his stomach as he leaned slightly away from his dad. "Dad, what are you talking about!" 

"You fucking heard me, Calum. Are you dating that faggot?" David took a few steps closer to Calum, and he shoved his son down on his bed, leaning over him. He could see Calum breathing heavily, and try to escape David's death grip on his arm. The young boy looked terrified for his life, as tears filled his eyes and his breathing grew more shallow as time passed with David leaning over him. "I don't want you to see him anymore, got it?"

Calum nodded violently, as his tears began to pour down his face. He was terrified, and all he could think of right now was Ashton--which wasn't the most appropriate time to at all. He wanted his boyfriend, but he wasn't supposed to. He was supposed to want a girlfriend, a wife, someone to fall in love with, to marry and to have children with in the future. What good was it going to do for him if he falls in love with a guy?

"Are you a fag, Calum?" His father leaned close to his face, and Calum could feel spit fly from his mouth and land over his face. David's hand gripped tighter on Calum's arm, causing the younger man to yelp in pain. "Are you!" 

"No! I'm not! I promise!"

"Say it!"

"I'm not a fag," His voice cracked on the last word, heavy sobs coming out of his mouth as he feared for his life. Calum shrieked in pain and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to pull his arm away from his dad's grip. Suddenly, the pain in his arm went away and the weight on top of him lifting up. He sobbed softly, as he looked up at his dad standing near the edge of his bed. The older man shook his head disgust, looking at his son from head to toe.

"I'm going to tell you this once and only once," David walked towards the bedroom door before turning on his heels to face his son once again. "He comes back here one more time, and I'll kill both of you."

 

 

It's been three weeks since the incident in Calum's room, and since Calum has had any contact with Ashton anymore. Between then and now, Calum had found himself a girlfriend who was nice and pretty and smelled nice, but wasn't Ashton. He didn't like to think of the other boy very much, scared that his father would find out and make his threat come true. He knew his father kept every single promise that he made, and he didn't want to test it.

He hadn't seen Ashton at all since he appeared in his backyard to see him that one afternoon. He felt a little bad to say the least, he should have at least broken things off with him, but he figured it was for the better. It wasn't like Ashton didn't have anymore friends, he still had Luke and Michael to talk to and hang around. He figures if Ashton really wanted to, he could be in a relationship with one of them. Calum is easy to be replaced, he wasn't needed. 

He thought of the boy often. He thought of all the nights that they had shared in his room, the innocent ones and the one night they had shared before everything went to shit. He remembered how Ashton's hands had felt on his body, how his tongue had felt inside of his mouth, and just how Ashton had felt inside him. It was one of the best nights of his life, and he would give everything just to turn back to that night and relive it. It was most likely the only night he would have his him, and he still cherished those moments to this day.

He needed to focus on his relationship now, more importantly his heterosexual relationship with a  _girl._ He made a promise to her every single night, that he promised to love her and treat her nice and even reach that stage one day, where marriage may come into hand. It may be a little too early, but this is what his father wants for him. He's pretty sure this is what he wants for himself. 

Calum and his girlfriend walked along the street after school one day, heading back to Calum's house so they could get ready for their date later on that night. They were joking around, and Calum was enjoying the moment. After all, he had been friends with her long before that had been dating and he had always thought that she was pretty (maybe Ashton was prettier), so he was content in this life he had made for himself.

"I love you, you know," He felt the need to say it again after thoughts of his ex-best friend came into mind. He could no longer think of that boy. He was in the past. 

"Tell me again." Her small voice whispered to him, and Calum felt his entire world slow down as Ashton came into view a little further down the path. The older boy looked nice and had taken care of himself. Ashton was always good for that, still managing to look nice even if he was in really tough situations. As the older got nearer and nearer, Calum took a good look of his eyes as Ashton eyed their intertwined hands. Ashton's eyes were the window to everything that he was feeling, and he could tell that Ashton wasn't hurting at all. "Babe?"

Calum looked down to the girl on his side, confusion laced into her face. He smiled at her, shaking his head before leaning down and placing a kiss on her lips right as they passed Ashton. She pulled away from the kiss, and smiled up at him, tightening her grip on his hand and grabbing his forearm with her other hand. She leaned her head against his arm as they walked towards the boy's house. The Maori boy didn't glance behind him once, but if he had, he would have seen Ashton standing there in the middle of the road with tears dripping down his face, a signal that he was hurting majorly.

 

 

An entire year had passed since the last time Calum had seen Ashton, and he had heard rumors of the older boy ever since graduation had happened. Calum was now in a very committed relationship with his girlfriend, they were planning on moving in with each other very soon. That was the original plan ever since graduation happened. They figured that 18 was a very young age to be thinking of forever with someone, but they decide they were endgame for each other. They were it. 

Calum's father had grown to be extremely reckless with his drinking, and eventually it had lead to his death. He had gotten in a car accident one day, claiming that he had seen  _her_ and he needed to get her and take her home with him. Who  _her_ was had been unclear at first, but as Calum soon realized, it was really obvious. It was obvious since day one that David wasn't going to take to Joy's death very lightly, and even the most uneducated person could guess that it would soon lead to his own demise. He had hated to say it, but it was expected that his father's death would be the result of alcohol and Joy. 

The funeral service was today, and just as Calum was feeling, the weather was to match it. It was a grey day with the clouds rolling in the distance, an impending storm upon their hands. The funeral was a small one, only the Hoods closest friends and immediate family attending. At Joy's funeral, there had been a lot of people there, almost their entire town had attended. With this funeral, David didn't gain the liking of the townspeople, as he had gained the reputation of the  _town drunk._

It was a weird thing to feel, sadness. He did love his father, but right now all he felt inside was anger towards himself. As he stared down at the mahogany casket in the ground, all he could feel was his father's disappointment in his only son who had happened to be gay. Dirt began to cover the top of the casket, and Calum fell on his knees in despair. He dug his fingers into the ground and let out a sob, as the casket began to disappear under the layers of dirt on top of it. 

People began to leave the cemetery, giving the young man some space before his father was placed completely under ground. A small manicured hand was placed on top of his back, and he knew his girlfriend was giving him some space. Soon the entire casket was covered in dirt, and the underground hole became half way full. His sobs became dry heaves as he thought of all the good memories he had with his dad. The nights spent staying up and watching movies together, the afternoons spent on a boat that would never set sail, all of the advice his father would give him that would apply to his entire life. David was never a bad man to Calum, he was never a bad father. He was a wonderful husband, father, and a man overall. It was the events that had happened that had led to the slow, but sure deterioration. 

Calum stood up slowly, needing a break from everything that was happening in front of him. He can't focus on his father's death right now, all he needs is his girlfriend and to figure out what to do with his life now that he was the only remaining person in his family besides his sister who hadn't been around much in the first place. He walked away the cemetery, finding a small bit of glory inside of the eerie silence of the dead. He found a small flight of stairs that led to a lower grassy area covered in headstones. He sat down on it, immediately placing his head in his hands and beginning to sob again.

There was only twice in which he has cried this hard before, one when his mother had passed away, and the second when he first had realized his feelings for Ashton that one night in his room. The only person who had gotten him through both of those moments were Ashton himself, and he couldn't imagine what he was to do this time. Nobody had ever seen him in such a state as he was right now.

A heavy hand was placed on his shoulder, and he shot his head up to look at the person to which it belonged to. Ashton stood there, a small frown on his face as he looked down at the sobbing man in front of him. Calum shot up from his spot on one of the stairs as he turned to face the older man. Ashton still looked just as he always did, this time only with a dusting of facial hair on his face.

"What are you doing here?" Calum asked, voice raw from crying. "Where've you been?"

Ashton stayed silent for a moment, seeming to think of his answer before he even dared to answer. He reached out and placed a hand on Calum's arm and the other in his hair. "I've missed you, Cal."

"Where've you been?" The dark haired man asked once more, his voice failing him. It cracked half way through the first word, and a sob escaped his mouth as tears began to fall from his eyes. He lifted up his hands and wrapped them around the man in front of him. Ashton just shook his head at the younger man and pulled Calum, so his head rested on his shoulder. Calum's body shook with his heavy sobs, and tears stained Ashton's shirt as they fell from his eyes. 

Calum wasn't crying just for his father, he was crying for so much more. He was crying for the loss and complete break of his family, he was crying for his feelings that were still there for Ashton, and the fact that he still can't have the man in his arms. He missed him so much, he missed the late night conversations they used to have about nothing at all, going to the pier to watch the sunset together and talk about what was to come in their futures, and he missed Ashton's company in general. Ashton was his best friend, his lover, the one he truly wanted in life, yet he couldn't deal with the fact he couldn't have him still.

"Calum?" A small female voice came from the side of the pair, causing Calum to pull away abruptly ending the moment all together. His girlfriend stood there, confused and nothing but doubt written in her eyes. "What's going on?"

Calum shook his head, and quickly wiped his eyes. "Nothing, I just--nothing is happening. Just catching up with someone I used to know." He ran down to meet his girlfriend, leaving Ashton standing in his previous spot. He kissed his girlfriend's head and held her hand in his, smiling softly down at her. When he turned around to look at Ashton as the pair walked away, he could see it. The same disappointment he saw in his father's eyes as he promised him that he wasn't a  _fag_ , that he wasn't gay.  _He couldn't be gay._

**"I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes.**

**I see  little house on the hill and children's names.**

**I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray.**

**But everything is shattering and it's my mistake."**

_Calum and Ashton sit under a makeshift blanket fort with a single flashlight below them. They breath heavily as they both stare at each other in the small amount of light. Their pinkies are linked together, finger puppets resting at the end of them. Calum lets out a small sigh, as the tension between the eight and nine year olds increase. Ashton chews on his lip slightly before opening his mouth._

_"Can I tell you something, Cal?" His voice was in a whisper, a lot quieter than it normally is on any other given day. Calum nodded at him, choosing to stay silent in this moment._

_"I wanna sleep next to you. I wanna come home to you." Ashton spoke in such a quiet whisper, it was almost hard to hear him. But to Calum, it was the loudest thing that he could possibly say. His ears rang with Ashton's words, filling his head with thoughts of future that an eight year old shouldn't be having._

_"You can Ashy. You will. When we get bigger."_

**"Our lives don't collide, and I'm aware of this."**

**Author's Note:**

> Title from TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan


End file.
